I'm not really sure how I got to where I am, but the brown bear has been calling to me.
Yesterday, I watched a video of a magnificent puma bounding through the air and sinking its teeth into the thick neck of its prey - a large mule deer stag in rut. Tenaciously, the panther hung on to the fleeing stag, maintaining its suffocating grip, locked into the fiercest of battles and determined not to lose. I watched as the stag was eventually brought down onto the dry earth, lying in agonizing desperation alongside the lion. The two were as dualistic in form and nature as yin and yang. Despite the powerful blows of his hoofs against the tense jaw of the puma, the buck was growing weaker as he suffocated, and I felt a pang of painful recognition in my chest as the life waned from his body.
This morning, as I laid my backpack on the floor and sunk down into the marigold-colored couch of my therapist's office, I offered her a painful smile.
"How are you feeling?" she asked as I settled in.
I didn't hesitate.
"I think I have the perfect analogy," I answered, launching into the story of the puma and the deer. "That's how I feel," I said. "I'm the stag being dragged to the ground, fighting to keep standing, and I'm losing my strength."
A decade ago, I would have told you that I was strong, capable, of facing the mountain of obstacles tumbling onto me. Today, though, I felt incredibly defeated. The past five years have been ...